Mismatched Socks
by WinterDance
Summary: Overpriced eBay auctions and a rather harmless artifact introduce one of Torchwood's local contacts. Not all goes well though - but then again does it ever? Part of the Unseen Verse.


**I have no excuses. Really. I could say life, time, the dog ate it but I won't. I will do better. I promise. This is a one chapter because honestly this episode is so Gwen's "heart and humanity" crap that I loathe it. I am working on the next and I have several others on the fire as well that are not in this 'verse. Enjoy and really, I promise to do better. :)**

"Jack?"

"Hmm?"

"Just how much would you pay for a Dogon Sixth Eye?"

Jack leaned back in his chair. "Not more than I have to. Fairly harmless, why?"

Ianto held out a printed sheet of paper. "One going on eBay with a rather high bid."

Jack took the paper and let out a low whistle. "That's just a bit more than I would have anticipated. Any idea who this bidder is?" He glanced up and when Ianto shook his head he handed the paper back with a sigh. "You try to get in touch with Eugene Jones and have Tosh..."

"One day she's going to take over the world," Ianto said with a sigh, "and you know this is going to be worth several pair of shoes, a bag and possibly a gadget or three."

"Tell her to make sure she keeps an eye out for anything else we can use. I have to admit I've been a bit lax in my checking of certain sites." Jack managed to look far too happy to actually be contrite. "Perhaps you should punish me for shirking my duties, Mister Jones. As my SIC I expect you to keep a tight leash on discipline."

"You need a tight leash for more than discipline," Ianto dead panned, a slight twitch of his lips being his only response to Jack's pout. He backed toward the door when Jack got up. "No!" he said, laughing, "you have too much work to do and I need to go take...Jack!" Ianto had made it to the door but Jack was in front of him before he could open it and he was well and truly trapped. "Jack," he said, softening his voice and trying to use logic to escape his captor, "I have to get Tosh working on this and I need to go see Eugene and..." His argument ended abruptly when Jack kissed him, a slow, soft slide of lips and a teasing request from his tongue. Knowing when he was lost, Ianto slid his arms round Jack's neck and opened his mouth, meeting the playful thrust of Jack's tongue with his own and within moments everything else ceased, the world reduced to the intimate touch of lips, tongues and hands, Jack's body pressing Ianto's against the glass door.

It might have gone on for quite a while or progressed to something better not done in front of glass except the sudden banging on the door behind Ianto's back caused him to jump and bite Jack's tongue with enough force that the older man roared in pain and after stepping back reached to check and withdrew his fingers red with blood. Looking over Ianto's shoulder he saw the wildly laughing face of their medic and after shoving Ianto aside just enough to open the door he pounded down the steps and towards the tunnel after Owen's fleeing form. Now laughing as well, Ianto sauntered out of the office and down the steps at a much more sedate pace to join Tosh at her desk to watch Jack's capture of Owen on the CCTV. After trapping him in one of the cells, Jack had pinned him to the wall and was actually licking him, leaving trails of saliva and blood over his cheek and jaw to Owen's very unhappy shouts and threats as he struggled to get free.

"I'm going to use this opportunity to go see Eugene," Ianto said, still laughing as Jack shoved Owen back and darted out of the cell, slamming the door behind him and turning to taunt the doctor as he beat ineffectively on the wall. "Could you look into his eBay account and see who the bidders are on the Sixth Eye he has listed? The bid is ridiculously high and of course if you happen to find something we could use Jack said feel free to appropriate it with the usual means."

"He does know this means I'm going shoe shopping doesn't he?" Tosh peered at him over the top of her glasses, a smile curling her lips and her eyes bright at the prospect of new designer footwear.

"I told him two pairs and most likely a bag to match."

Tosh's grin became somewhat maniacal with an edge of a hungry predator. "Good man, Mister Jones. Now go do whatever it is you need to do and I'm going to do what I need to do." She glanced back at the monitor and laughed. "Poor Owen, it looks like Jack's left him there."

"Which means Jack is on his way and I better go before he..."

"Ianto! Now where were we?" Jack emerged into the main work area to find Tosh laughing so hard she was hiccupping, Gwen looking annoyed, and the familiar sound of the cog wheel settling back into place but not a single hair of Ianto's head in sight. "He ran, didn't he?" he asked, pouting.

Tosh nodded. "He did. I'm going to check eBay, and he went to see Eugene."

"Right, I guess I'll go do paperwork then. Unless, maybe a Weevil?" Jack's pout got bigger when Tosh shook her head. "Invasion?" Another shake of head. "How can I be the dashing hero when there's nothing to hero?"

"If you get all the paperwork done you can be Ianto's hero," Tosh told him. "Oh, and how long are you going to leave Owen down there?"

"You can let him out if you want. I'm going to go start on that stack of paperwork so when a certain devilishly handsome archivist returns he can reward me for my hard work." Jack wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. "Or even better, he can reward me hard for..."

"Jack! Go!" Laughing, Tosh grabbed a sheet of paper and balled it up before throwing it at him. Shaking her head as he bounded away and up the stairs to his office, she caught a glimpse of a scowling Gwen. "Since you seem to be free for the moment, you can go let Owen out." Tosh went back to work, ignoring the bitter mutterings as Gwen stomped past her on the way to the vaults. She didn't know what progress Gwen had made with her attitude; as far as she was concerned she could see little improvement Flicking off the CCTV coverage of the vault, Tosh pushed any fleeting idea of what could be going on in the cells and concentrated on identifying the markings on the artifact which currently held the place of honor on her desk.

-TW-

Eugene Jones had been interacting with Torchwood for several years. While he had no direct knowledge of what they did, he had long suspected they dealt with things of the not quite ordinary variety so when something came to his attention he often brought it to them to see if they would be willing to either exchange the item for cash or every once in a while something harmless but interesting to add to his collection. He saw alien in far too much and several of the items he had saved were nothing more than partially melted glass or coins, and one notable piece he had thought was a sort of rock weapon had turned out to be a petrified cereal and marshmallow treat. Jack had managed to keep a straight face as had Tosh but Owen had mocked the young man until he had thrown the article at the medic and run off, the end result of it being a very unhappy and extremely chastised Owen showing up at his house with an envelope of cash from Jack. Since then it had fallen to either Ianto or Jack to deal with him but the last time they had been contacted it had been Gwen who was with Owen and his attention was far more on her low cut top than the item Eugene was offering. Owen, not wanting anything to do with him, had left it to Gwen and she had more or less ignored him and thus the Dogen Sixth Eye was currently listed on eBay with an insane offer of fifteen thousand pounds.

Ianto was leaning against his car when Eugene wandered out of work. He waited until he was seen and then motioned for Eugene to join him. Eugene didn't look too pleased and Ianto wondered if he thought he was going to be forced to give up the Eye since on two occasions Jack had demanded he relinquish the tech he had found despite his wishes to keep the items in question. Ianto understood Jack's reasoning behind the less than polite requests with one being a particle weapon from the 42nd century and the other being a mind control sphere used by the Judoon in interrogations prisoners. Why they used those he didn't know since the Judoon tended to have an "answer or die" mentality for the most part but Jack had insisted that for some species mind control was the only guaranteed means of cooperation. Ianto winced when Eugene threw himself against the panel beside him and heaved a dramatic sigh.

"I tried to show it to that bird but the wanker of a doctor was with her and she didn't seem interested."

"I saw the report." Ianto didn't mention he had only seen it when he had found it in the pile for filing yesterday and that was what had tipped him off to the Eye. He was going to have to talk to Gwen about the whole eBay thing and make sure she took the time to learn the different contacts and when and what she needed to follow up on. All of this should have been part of her basic training but most of that had been ignored and he had to push down the annoyance he was feeling toward Jack for once more thinking with something other than his head. "She's still training so she didn't know what it was."

"She's got a great set of tits," Eugene said with a leer, "but why she's with that twat doctor I don't know."

"How did you..."

"They took a bit of time to have a quick shag in the car before they left," Eugene told him, not bothering to hide the grin when Ianto growled. "So, I put it on eBay. Got quite a nice bid on it, I'm thinking I might invite Pamela to head off to Australia with me for an extended holiday." He straightened and turned to look directly at Ianto. "You had your chance. So now are you going to threaten me if I don't hand it over?"

"The only time Jack threatened you was when you had a weapon that could have killed a good portion of Cardiff and didn't want to give it up," Ianto reminded him. "That's an awfully high bid for a Sixth Eye though, are you sure that's what it is?"

Eugene shrugged. "You saw the picture of it, what do you think?"

Ianto had to admit from what he saw it was nothing more than what was listed but he still couldn't quite wrap his mind around a bid of that amount for something that - from an alien artifact standpoint - was no more special than an old decoder ring from one of those 1950's radio shows. "It seems to be, but still..." Ianto sighed and shook his head. "Look, from here on out if you have something make sure you bring it to Jack or to me."

Eugene grinned. "If things go through with this I doubt I'll be needed to scrounge for bits and pieces of rubbish. I'll be laying on a sandy beach somewhere with a couple of cute things in bikinis beside me." He started to walk away, whistling.

"Eugene," Ianto called after him, waiting until he turned back to continue, "I still think there is something off about a bid that high. Be careful and if things get out of hand..."

"Phone you. Right. Have a nice life, Ianto." With a flick of his hand, Eugene turned back and continued walking away from Ianto.

Pushing himself off the side of his car, Ianto pulled out his mobile and phoned Jack. "Something isn't right."

"Come back to the Hub and we'll see what we can figure out."

Ianto opened the car door and looked across the roof to watch Eugene until he turned the corner and left his sight. "On my way."

"See you soon."

Ianto closed his phone after Jack ended the call and let out a large breath. Somehow, this wasn't going to end well. He didn't know why, he didn't know how but he knew it would happen. For now, there was nothing more he could do.

-TW-

Back at the Hub, Ianto was perched on the edge of Jack's desk, trying to keep the large, warm hand that was pressed against the top of his thigh from sliding any higher. "Friends of his? There's no possible way they could have that kind of money." Ianto sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering why he was once again developing a headache from dealing with something that should have been taken care of without a hitch. "Jack, you need to talk to Owen and Gwen about this. Eugene said they were shagging in the SUV. I know it's not our concern if she wants to screw up everything she has with Rhys but this is getting to a point where they seem to be daring someone to catch them and tell him. I am not going to be the one cleaning up that mess."

Jack nodded. "I'll have a word with them. In fact, tell them I'd like to see them both in my office. You, Mister Jones, go and have our lovely Miss Sato show you the spoils of her hard work."

Ianto laughed and nudged Jack's leg with his knee. "Nope. I'll talk to Tosh but you can have the fun of handling that situation all on your own. I'm annoyed enough with them that they'll be forewarned and where is the fun in that? I was thinking of heading back to mine with a quick trip to grab a few things and since you've behaved yourself today I might be encouraged to cook something for you."

Jack was fast and Ianto found himself suddenly caught round the waist and a grinning Captain standing between his legs. He would have denied the slightly undignified yelp of surprise with every breath. "With a Welsh dessert? Jack purred, leaning closer to allow his breath to wash over Ianto's cheek.

"Possibly," Ianto managed.

"In that case, Mister Jones, I suggest you cook something that can be enjoyed after a warm up because I have always been one to enjoy dessert before a meal."

"And I would suggest that you remember that those who do not clean their plates are denied dessert," Ianto whispered, his breath warm against Jack's jaw and his teeth taking a slight nip of the skin. "Now back to work, Captain Harkness."

Jack growled but let him go, watching as Ianto turned and left the office and made his way down the stairs. He stopped for a moment to speak to Tosh and then with a last glance up at Jack and a smile he headed for the cog door. When he was through the door and the alarms had quieted, leaving only the normal background noise of the Hub, Jack stepped to the door of his office and cleared his throat. "Gwen, Owen, my office." He turned and went back to his desk, deliberately not watching to see the expressions on their faces or Tosh's reaction. Taking a seat, he turned the chair slightly in order to face the couch. When the two walked through the door he pointed them in that direction. "Sit." Again he waited until they had both taken a seat before leaning forward and resting his forearms on his things, letting his hands dangle loosely between his knees. "Ianto just returned from seeing Eugene."

"That twat," Owen scoffed.

"He seems sweet," Gwen said, shooting a glare at Owen. "He came over to talk to me the other day, but..."

"It's that attitude that may have caused a problem, Owen," jack interrupted., "He has placed a Sixth Eye on eBay and it's getting some astonishing bids and when Ianto approached him he's indicated that from here on out he's going to just take his chances on selling whatever he has rather than contacting us. He also informed Ianto that he witnessed an unprofessional act between the two of you. Now, as the windows to the SUV are heavily tinted, you either left them down far enough to be seen accidentally, or you're bigger exhibitionists than I am. I find that hard to believe."

"He didn't want to see then he shouldn't have looked," Owen mumbled.

"Well, you and Gwen will now take the time to clean the SUV. No reason Ianto should be forced to do it since the two of you made the mess." Jack narrowed his eyes and pointed at Owen when he went to open his mouth. "It is not his job to clean up after your activities, Owen. Now get to it, if we get an alert I really don't want to force anyone to sit in anything the two of you left behind. And next time make sure you use someplace other than my company car." Jack went back to his paperwork, letting the slight grin that formed on his face at the indignant huff and slam of the door grow into a full on show of teeth. Ianto should be happy with him for making them take care of the mess they left and when Ianto was happy he was happy. Very happy.

-TW-

After that Jack wasn't sure exactly how everything happened. A call from Andy sent Gwen off on another crusade for justice when he informed them that Eugene Jones had been killed in a traffic accident. Not understanding what that had to do with Torchwood, Jack was subjected to another of Gwen's rants about his heartlessness and his lack of humanity, the end result of that being him informing her to get out and not return for the next three days before he was forced to end her employment with a much more permanent solution than Retcon. Owen wisely kept his mouth shut, Tosh was so livid at the things Gwen was saying that Jack though he was going to have to restrain her and when it all was said and done he escaped to the Plas and with swift and determined strides headed for the peace and sanity that he knew he would find at Ianto's flat. So off balance by the whole episode, he forgot himself and used the emergency key to open the door and without letting Ianto know he was there he went straight to the kitchen and wrapped the younger man in a tight hug.

All that would have been fine if Ianto hadn't had his ear buds in and was singing along to whatever song he was listening to.

When Jack's body pressed against his back and his arms folded round Ianto's waist the shriek was ear-splitting. Even better though was the violent jab of an elbow into Jack's ribs and the impact of the mallet Ianto had been using to tenderize the strips of meat for whatever he was planning to make. The mallet didn't hit as hard as it could have for Ianto must have realized who it was and managed to pull the swing just enough that when it collided with his temple it only knocked Jack silly instead of killing him outright. It did hit hard enough that he staggered sideways, his weight pulling Ianto along and the two of them ended up on the floor with Ianto swearing loudly in Welsh and Jack trying to shake off the effects. He started to laugh, wincing when Ianto tossed the mallet aside and began to examine the small indentations and slight bleeding left behind.

"You idiot! I could have killed you!" Ianto was trying to glare at him but as hard as Jack was laughing his lips were starting to twitch. "You should have let me know you were on your way or that you were here or something!"

Jack leaned back against the counter and dragged Ianto closer, wrapping his arms round him once again. "Sorry, I had to leave. Andy called, Eugene Jones was hit and killed by a car and Gwen was sure it was somehow our fault. Ours as in yours and mine, not even so much Torchwood. I told her she had three days off to look into it all she wanted because if I hadn't sent her out of the Hub I might really have strangled her."

"No great loss," Ianto mumbled, tucking his head under Jack's chin and leaning into his chest, "and I mean that for Rhys as well."

"This rather dark streak is quite intriguing, Mister Jones," Jack said with an obvious smile in his voice. "I may have to plumb the depths of it to see exactly where it might lead."

"It'll lead to starvation if you don't let me finish cooking." Reluctantly Ianto pealed himself away from Jack's solid warmth and got to his feet, reaching down to help Jack up as well. "Sit, relax, have a shower or a drink and let me cook."

"Coffee?" Jack threw in the pout and Ianto rolled his eyes in response. When he turned to begin the process of creating Jack's favorite blend, Jack hurriedly shrugged off his coat and went to hang it in the closet just inside the door, Ianto's call of "Boots, Jack!" making him roll his eyes but he left them on the mat just inside said closet besides several neatly lined pairs belonging to Ianto. Somehow, seeing their shoes sitting together made him feel a momentary flush of panic but he quickly pushed it aside and went back to take a seat in the kitchen to await his coffee and spend some time lost in the simplicity of watching Ianto's graceful movements as he went about the ordinary tasks of fixing a meal. Somehow, despite his determination to remain out of anything domestic, Jack realized that this was exactly that, and while he once more felt that flutter of discomfort it was quashed by the smile Ianto gave him as he set the mug down before returning to work.

-TW-

"Jack?"

Jack glanced up from the paperwork strewn across his desk and sighed. "Gwen." After her tantrum several days before and the three days investigating what was nothing more than a RTA between a drunken driver and a careless pedestrian, she had insisted that Eugene's ghost had saved her from a similar fate outside his home. While Jack had seen any number of strange and sometimes wonderful things, he had no belief in what came after death having made more than a few trips into the darkness himself.

She came in and sat in the chair on the opposite side of his desk. "I wanted to know how you feel my probation is going."

"I'm busy, Gwen. If you want to discuss this ask Ianto for an appointment when he has time."

"I'd rather meet with you."

Jack set his pen down, taking several deep breaths to settle his rising irritation. "This is exactly why I am seeing what Ianto means. You simply feel that this is still about what you want. Not about what is best for Torchwood itself, the rest of the team, or even myself and Ianto as your superior officers. I just had to send you off for three days because you get it into that incredibly thick skull of yours that Eugene Jones died as a result of something to do with Torchwood. If anything, it was you and Owen who caused it because neither of you did your jobs. It's over, done and finished. I do not want to hear another thing about it. And as far as your probation goes the fact we are having this conversation tells me it's not going well. Now, if you want to continue this you need to speak to Ianto." He picked his pen up and once more lowered his gaze to the paper in front of him, gritting his teeth when he heard the stomping of her boots as she stormed out of his office. A few moments later a mug of steaming coffee was placed under his nose and he inhaled the aroma with a happy sigh.

"It should be decaf for you shoving her off onto me." Jack looked up and grinned at the man perched on the edge of his desk. "Really, I should just give you instant decaf and swear off sex but we both know I won't because all that does is punish the rest of us." He rolled his eyes as Jack picked up the mug and despite the temperature of the liquid inside took a healthy swig. "And if you burn your lips or tongue don't expect me to kiss them better."

Jack set the mug back down - taking care not to set it on anything except the coaster that was on his desk just for that purpose - before grabbing Ianto round the waist and yanking him from his seat on the edge of the desk to the seat on his lap. Ianto's indignant squawk was quickly overridden by his curses in a mixture of several languages as he tried to keep Jack's finger from poking him in the ribs. The battle raged for several minutes, bubbles of laughter beginning to escape from Ianto as Jack's finger found several ticklish spots until the sudden eruption of the Rift monitor broke them apart and set their minds firmly back to business.

For now at least, after all later there would be time for revenge.

And possibly decaf.


End file.
